


Recuérdame

by darlingvhenan



Series: You Are a Memory [2]
Category: The Arcana (Visual Novel)
Genre: Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Miscarriage, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-10
Updated: 2018-11-10
Packaged: 2019-08-21 11:05:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,723
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16575254
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darlingvhenan/pseuds/darlingvhenan
Summary: This wasn't how it was supposed to happen.When they should have been happy and announcing a new part of their lives, they were instead mourning- aching- for that lost life.The life that barely got a chance to exist.





	Recuérdame

**Author's Note:**

> This contains heavy content/ mention of miscarriage/ possibly triggering.  
> If you enjoyed, let me know. Comments help motivate me to continue what I do and improve.
> 
> Estellise belongs to me, guest appearance Sloane belongs to strawberrybun on tumblr  
> ~  
> Find me on [tumblr.](https://darlingvhenan.tumblr.com/)  
> Want a little extra pinch of feels? Listen to [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bMAoOGnw9qQ) while reading

Aún en la distancia nunca vayas a olvidar  
Que yo contigo siempre voy, recuérdame

* * *

 

Rain poured in the town, the dark, gloomy night sky void of any stars- as if the weather mimicked the mood of many that night. Two exhausted magicians sat in a carriage traveling from the extravagant palace back to their small, humble home.

Estellise had long since fallen asleep with her head resting against Asra's shoulder, who was focused on her soft breathing, the gentle sighs soothing him.

Her aura had dimmed, with nothing left that he could sense. No sparkle of light- of the little life where it lay resting the previous night, safely tucked away in her womb.

That light was _gone_ , and all they felt was emptiness. 

Glancing out the carriage window with his chin resting in his palm, Asra watched as the rain slowed from a downpour to a drizzle. The hand in his other palm twitched as Elise slowly woke, nuzzling a puffy, tear-stained cheek into his shoulder. She looked down at their interlocked fingers laying in her lap-  their masquerade clothes long discarded, the blood washed away and fresh clothing put on.

She bundled back up against Asra, wrapping his arm over her shoulders to leech his warmth, _comforting_ , as her body shivered from the recovering chill of blood loss. 

They soon felt the carriage slow to a stop, signaling that they were outside of the shop, and Asra opened to door to help Elise out.

She grabbed hold of his hand and stepped down while Asra waved a thanks to the carriage driver, taking a few moments to pet the horses as a sign of gratitude. Unlocking the door with the brass key, he then waved a hand to unlock the magical wards, carefully leading Elise inside. 

Once the door closed, he snapped his fingers to light a few lanterns, shifting his gaze to the bag pressed against his hip, which shook as something- or _someone_ \- rustled within. Asra set it on the glass counter and Faust slithered out, stopping to yawn and adjust her jaw in the process. She slithered over to Elise and up her arm, coiling herself around her neck in a comforting manner, nestling into her soft curls. 

"Love, go ahead and go upstairs, I'll start brewing some tea," Asra spoke softly, brushing some hair from her face and wrapping his scarf around her.

Elise nodded and slowly, _carefully_ , made her descent up the stairs. Her hand trembled as she pressed against the wall for support whilst the other gripped the loose fabric around her abdomen, dull cramps still lingering. 

When he finally heard her finish walking upstairs, he let out a deep breath before shuffling behind the glass counter to rummage through various herbs.

Once Asra found the bundles he was looking for, he set to grinding up the dried petals and leaves in the mortar. 

Asra didn't even realize he was crying until he glanced back down to see fresh tears dripping onto the dark marble counter, like he was too numb to even feel it. Trying to wipe them away proved useless- once they started it didn't stop. His hand trembled as he placed down the pestle and slowly slid to the floor, fingers tugging fluffy hair, almost painfully.

Asra buried his face into his hands and knees, trying to stifle the cries from his quivering lips. Nothing felt real- _right_ - in that moment. His mind was racing, overthinking.

They should have come home together happily. Not lethargic, grieving.

_Empty..._

This wasn't how it was supposed to happen. When they should have been happy, celebrating a victory and announcing a new part of their lives they were instead mourning, aching for that lost life. The life that barely got a chance to exist, before being _torn_ away, like some sacrifice.

Like they meant nothing.

Asra frantically shook his head to try and will away the thoughts as he stood up, sniffling while wiping his tears on the sleeve of his shirt before finishing his previous task.

Once the herbs were all ground up, he grabbed the bowl and brought it upstairs to the kitchen. Placing it on the counter, he grabbed a kettle, pouring water inside before asking the salamander to light the stove, offering a few pieces of coal as a gift.

The little amphibian obliged, and Asra set the kettle over the flame to boil. He shuffled through a cabinet, grabbing a mug before placing the ground up mixture into a steeper, dropping it into the cup. Once the water was steaming, Asra then poured it into the mug with a quick stir of honey as well, Elise's favorite thing to add to tea. A little comfort to soothe her. 

Thanking the salamander one last time before they went back to rest, he then journeyed through the home, not seeing Elise anywhere in sight until finally walking into their bed room.

She laid on her side, her messy platinum braid splayed across the sheets while she was curled around a very concerned Faust. Asra's heart ached at the sight, and he carefully set the steaming mug on the nightstand next to Elise, before gently rubbing a hand on her shoulder. He brushed the curls away from her eyes, still puffy from the tears. 

Asra twirled the locks between his fingers, softly,  _delicately_ , "I made you tea… it's probably done steeping and cooled enough." He glanced over to the mug and she sluggishly sat up, setting Faust in her lap before grabbing the mug.

Elise savored the warmth as her palms covered the cup, and she curiously sniffed the tea, trying to figure out the aroma.

Raspberry leaf mixed with chamomile, and a sweet after-scent of honey. To help with healing her body after the blood loss. _The loss of their babe_.

She graciously sipped on the brew, sighing out a soft thank you. 

"Do you want to change into something more comfortable?" Asra inquired, noting the silks she wore as a last minute option from Nadia, as she needed something loose and clean after the mess of her masquerade dress.

"I can go get clothes for you." His hand rested on her thigh, awaiting for her response until Elise nodded. 

Asra rose back up then, rummaging through their shared wardrobe for some sleep pants, making sure they were loose enough so they wouldn't feel constricting. Then he grabbed a sleeveless top before placing the bundle at the foot of the bed. 

Elise finished the tea, and she placed the mug back on the nightstand, moving Faust so she could stand up- though her body was still weak, and her legs wobbled. Asra rushed to her side to help, steadying her as he helped change her out of the old clothes and into the familiar and more comfortable pair. 

While Elise sat back on the plush bed Asra cleaned up the mug, setting it in the kitchen's sink before grabbing a glass of water to replace the drink.

Once he returned, Elise was still in the same spot, absentmindedly running her fingers along Faust's scales. He knew that this would be hard for her, but it hurt to see her so... detached. _Lethargic_. She hadn't been like this since she was first brought back to life, and it worried him.

"You should rest," Asra spoke, so softly, as if the entire energy in the room was fragile and one wrong word or change of tone in his voice could shatter it into a million pieces. 

Elise just glanced back at him with a doleful, longing look to her eyes, "Come lay with me?" The words barely made it out as they were so quiet. 

"Always." 

Asra crawled into the bed and under the covers with Elise, opening his arms wide for her to curl against him, their chests tightly pressed together, noses brushing. He wrapped his arm around her waist, toying with the loose braid while she returned the embrace.

The room was quiet, the only sound around them were the echoes of crickets, the owls hooting in the distance outside. With the soft melody of the outside world, Elise just buried her face into Asra's shoulder, dozing off.

~

Asra didn't sleep that night.

He was too hyper-focused on Elise's breathing, the gentle rise and fall of her chest signaling she was okay, alive. An hour into her slumber she shuffled, and he immediately knew it was an incoming nightmare, having already dealt with this from previous trauma.

He whispered a spell under his breath to grant her a dreamless sleep that night, for a peaceful slumber that she deserved. 

After what felt like an eternity, he finally decided to carefully untangle himself from Elise's embrace, gently laying her arms back onto the bed before he wandered around their home. He had to get away for now, even though it pained him- _destroyed_  him to leave Elise in this time of need, he just couldn't think or act straight. 

Asra rummaged for clothes and other necessities, placing them in his travel bag while he changed outfits, slipping on his boots and throwing on a coat in the process. Before finally wrapping his scarlet scarf around his shoulder, he paused- scouring the room for the items he was looking for.

 _There_ , on a desk, sat a quill and some parchment. Quickly he scribbled, scratched out some words, and rewrote a note before signing his name. 

With one final trip to the couple's bedroom, Asra quietly- as to not rouse her from her seemingly peaceful slumber- walked over to Elise's side of the bed. He brushed the hair from her face to place a kiss on her temple, so, so delicately. Letting his hand linger, he noticed Faust wiggling out of the blankets to face him.

"Watch over her, Faust," scratching under the serpent's chin, he finally walked out of the bedroom, then eventually the store- leaving Faust before she could even try calling out to him.

_"Wait..."_

~

Estellise slowly woke to the sound of birds chirping outside, to the bright sunlight peeking through the curtains to shine on her face.

She wiped at her cheeks, rubbing the sleep away before sitting up, stretching her arms before she noticed the empty spot next to her in the bed- where Asra should have been.

Confused for a few moments, she glanced around the room to no avail, the only thing of notice was Faust on her pillow. Elise shuffled out of bed, wincing at the sudden cramps before walking through the bedroom door and into the living space. The magician was nowhere in sight. 

_Maybe he's downstairs in the shop?_

Before she could figure out if that was the case, she noticed a piece of parchment on their dining table. Picking up the paper, she immediately recognized the penmanship as Asra's.

 _"Estellise,_  
I have to go for a few days, I just need to figure out some things. Have some days to myself to think. I'm sorry. I love you.  
\- Asra" 

A few lines were scratched out, then rewritten she assumed, or maybe he changed his mind on what he had to say. Either way she clutched the letter, a tear dripping down to smudge the black ink, and she just tossed the paper to the side. 

 _He left_. Of course he left. Like he _always_ did anytime there was a problem to face. 

Making her way back into her room, Elise crawled back into bed, curling beside the lavender snake before wrapping herself in a bundle of blankets. Elise let herself fall back into a deep sleep without a care and shielded her eyes from the bright sunshine, from the outside world. 

~

Elise slept through the rest of that morning- to the evening, then eventually all through the night. Once she finally got up that morning, almost two days after returning home, her stomach grumbled with hunger.

Having been too nauseous to think of eating anything she was lacking the proper nutrients to aid her recovery. So she reluctantly crawled out of bed, exhaustion desperately clawing at her to drag her back into the warm comfort of the blankets. 

Elise wandered into the kitchen, grabbing some fresh fruit and bread from the countertop before settling down at the table. Her mind went blank as she ate breakfast, her chin resting on a palm as she lazily chewed a slice of pumpkin bread. She finally finished the plate of food after what felt like years from absentmindedly chewing, and she stood up to venture back into the kitchen.

She cleaned up after herself, rinsing the plate and wiping her hands before going back to the bedroom- but before she could crawl back under the covers, she noticed something.

A vibrant ball caught her eye, and when she looked to see what it was, her heart stopped. A ball of yarn with knitting needles next to it, a knitted square that was almost finished lay resting in the corner inside of a woven basket. 

Next to a rocking chair. 

Her legs felt heavy as she pushed herself to go over to the basket, until she finally settled onto the floor by the chair. Fingers traced the edges of the ebony wood, brows furrowed together as the memories from just a week ago tried to resurface.

Elise's hands trembled as she carefully picked up the ball of wool, as she picked up the knitted square attached to it. Her vision became hazy, eyes burning with hot tears as she ran delicate fingers along the intricate knit-stitches. 

The wool was a beautiful lavender color, with ivory and iridescent specks braided into the strands. This was the wool she and Asra picked out in the market, just a few days after they discovered they would be welcoming a new member into their tiny family. The wool they specifically chose for the soft colors, the even softer texture that would be perfect for a newborn. 

Elise looked back to the rocking chair, and the rest of the memories came back to her immediately.

She sat here just a week before the Masquerade, gently rocking as she weaved the knitting needles together to slowly but surely knit a shape to soon become a small blanket. _For their baby._

She would feel the slight flutters within her, the little one's magic already so strong she could rest her hand on the small bump and feel those delicate flutters. Like the feeling of butterflies in flight on a warm sunny day.

Where she once smiled at the thought of holding their babe, small hands wrapped around their parents thumbs. When Asra would come home or finish closing up the shop and greet her- greet  _them_  by rubbing a hand along the growing swell of her belly- and the flutters became more consistent and energetic when he'd run his hands along her abdomen. 

Now she felt _empty_ - pained, and nauseous at the thought of what they lost.

When her palm rested over the same spot where she felt those little flutters just a few days ago, there was nothing.

That spark of warmth, of light, was really gone.  _Too soon_. 

Elise let the tears fall freely then as she clutched the unfinished blanket close to her chest, wiping her eyes and sniffling when she felt the presence of Faust next to her. 

_"Baby?"_

"No...Faust," she choked out, cries slurring her words. Thinking back to that night, where their happiness was torn from her body without a care, her heart ached in such a painful way she'd never felt before.

"I was being reckless. I _never_ should have gone near The Devil," while her cries quieted, she couldn't help but blame herself for what happened, how she made a mistake.

"Maybe I could have prevented this..." 

Faust just curled on her lap, looking up at her with what looked like sympathy, and she desperately tried to comfort the magician. Faust slithered up onto Elise's shoulders, rubbing their cheeks together and giving her little snake kisses, pepping up slightly when Elise seemed comforted from the affection. 

"I miss them- it's just... not fair..." Elise left the wool yarn on the floor, getting up to go curl back in bed as that was the only comfort she could find right now. She sipped on some water before bundling back up in the covers. Faust just watched her with curiosity. 

_"Asra...?"_

"I miss him too... I wish he were here, Faust." At that the serpent protectively curled up next to Elise, easing off into a light sleep, staying alert. 

~

Loud and persistent knocking woke up the sleepy figure, and she took a few moments to blink away the blurriness, finally looking beside her to see the other half of the bed was empty. _Still_. 

With steady movements, Elise rose from the nest of blankets. She quickly grabbed a shawl to wrap around her shoulders as she made her descent down the stairs. Once she made it down the final step she heard a voice after a couple harsh knocks.

 "Estellise...? Asra?" the rich voice inquired, and instantly she knew it was Julian. Though she debated going back upstairs to sleep- she hesitated when she heard the concern in his voice.

"... _Are you home?_ "

Sighing, she shuffled over to the large door, quickly lighting a few lanterns with a snap of her fingers as she unlocked the entrance.

When it opened, Julian flinched, as if not expecting her to answer before he composed himself and spoke up, "O- _oh_! Estellise, sorry for bothering..." He examined her as he spoke, taking in the sight of her, obviously exhausted by the dark circles under her eyes.

Julian cleared his throat before continuing, "I uh- I stopped by to check on you and Asra..." glancing around the shop's interior he saw no sign of the other magician, "Speaking of...where is he?" 

"He left."

Elise didn't even hesitate, didn't hold back the bitterness or the pain in her tone, and Julian's heart wrenched at the sound. Her usual calm, naturally maternal and soothing energy was dark- distraught. 

Julian anxiously fidgeted with his coattails, adjusting the bag on his shoulder before stepping into the shop when Elise moved to the side, welcoming him in.

"Oh, where to? He's not here with you?" Another twinge of pain at the words, reminding her of who isn't there, _who is never there._

Elise just led Julian up the stairs to the cozy living room, and he took off his boots and coat in the process as a common courtesy. While he took in his surroundings, Elise grabbed two glasses from a cabinet and filled them up with water. Julian set down the bag he carried onto a short coffee table. 

"Don't know, probably Nopal. The day after we returned home he left a note explaining that he'd be back," she handed him the glass as she sat down on the lounging couch, bringing her knees to her chest as she wrapped another blanket over her shoulders and shrugged, "that he just needed some time." 

Of course she was still grieving, her usual bright eyes were exhausted, numb from crying. Numb like the rest of her.

Though the home wasn't what he expected it to look like after witnessing what he already has. It was still cleaned and organized as always- one of Elise's quirks, but looking to the open bedroom door, he saw things in disarray. The bed was a mess of blankets, she obviously slept there almost non-stop the last few days. With one last glance he saw the knitting needles and half-used ball of lavender yarn carelessly laying on the wooden floor.

"Ah, _erm_... alright. Well, Mazelinka wanted to bring you something, but she's been too busy so here I am!" Placing down the glass cup, he reached for the bag he had previously been carrying, pulling out something that was wrapped up in a cloth.

The top was in a knot and once he un-tied it Elise got to see what was inside; a ceramic bowl covered in a beeswax fabric, for a mess-free journey she assumed. 

"It's a homemade bone broth soup, pretty potent stuff she was cooking," he tapped a finger on his chin as if in thought, "she said it had lots of nutrient-rich ingredients for quick recovery."

At that, Elise lifted the beeswax wrap to examine the still warm, fresh soup. He was right, iron-rich vegetables and meat were the base, and with an inhale she caught the lingering scent of herbs, rare and rather potent healing herbs in fact, and a small smile twitched on the corner of her lips. 

Covering the bowl back up, she stood up to place it over on a counter before settling back down, "Please tell her I said thank you." Julian eagerly nodded, noticing the slight change in her mood. 

"So, erm..." he glanced around the room nervously again, "how are you feeling?" 

As much as the words hurt, how they reminded her of what she went through, she couldn't get mad at him. Not when Julian was anxiously waiting for her response, for her to just say that she's okay, that she'll be okay- but she wasn't. 

Elise's fingers were delicate as they played with the edges of her blanket as she cleared her throat, "I'm...not okay." Her lower lip trembled, she looked away to avoid eye contact as her voice broke.

Instantly Julian was at her side, placing a warm, comforting hand on her shoulder.

"Estellise, you don't have to keep hurting yourself over this. You don't have to go through this alone," he pulled her into a tight embrace, placing his chin atop her head as she held back her tears.

"You have friends who love you, who want to be there for you. You just have to let us in." She shrugged away from his embrace, brushing hair away from her eyes, "You know, Sloane has been wanting to come visit you, but he didn't want to impose if you weren’t ready for visitors."

"I know, I just don't know if I'm completely ready for that... but if you wouldn't mind, you can let Sloane know that he can come by anytime..." He nodded at that, respecting her need for some distance. 

The two conversed for a short while longer until Julian excused himself, saying his goodbyes. Before he walked out the door, he reminded Elise that was there if she needed anything, how everyone was there for her. Nadia, Portia, even Muriel.

She just closed the door, locking it.

~  
   
The hushed ring of a bell was all that signaled Elise of someone inside the shop, which shook her from her thoughts as the shop hadn't been open the entire week.

No lantern was lit as a sign that customers were allowed. So whoever was in the shop was either Asra or someone who had a key and skill to unlock the magical wards.

Elise was about to worry until she remembered what was said to Julian the previous morning.

Before she could even get up from her spot where she lay on bed, the familiar sound of Sloane's footsteps ascended up the stairs- quiet yet still recognizable. As Elise glanced up from her book, she was met with his concerned gaze. His brows scrunched together.

Immediately he was at her side, crawling into the bed with her. As much as Elise tried to keep it together- she _couldn't_ , and as she broke down, she barely felt Sloane curl his body over hers, embracing her.

Elise bundled herself up into a ball in the blankets, pressing her cheek against Sloane's thigh while she cried, dampening the silk of his pants. Though he didn't mind at all.

Elise quickly wiped her cheek with the back of her hand, sniffling back more tears as she sat up.

"Are you alright...?" Sloane's voice was quiet and filled with concern, to which the magician just shook her head.

Sloane took in her appearance, mainly in the fact that her hair was a mess of curls, carelessly thrown into loose ponytail to keep it out of the way. This was something Elise never did as she always had it neatly styled, even keeping it braided while she slept.

He ran his fingers through the curls, carefully brushing out any tangles while Elise just sighed into the touch.

Sloane weaved her hair together in the familiar braid she always wore, the one that she taught him how to do, all those months ago during happier times. He quickly tied the end off and brushed stray pieces behind her ears.

He hesitated for a moment, debating on if he should ask this, but after seeing- sensing- how distraught and lonely Elise was, he couldn't help himself, "Want me to stay the night?"

Elise eagerly nodded, desperate for that comfort from a friend, from someone she trusted. The two friends laid down in the plush covers, and Sloane tugged the blankets over their shoulders while Elise cuddled up next to him.

Sloane wrapped his arms around her waist and that was the first time Elise had a warm body in her bed with her- comforting her- in days.

 _Finally_ , she slept peacefully. No nightmares plagued her sleep.

-

The moon was full the night after Sloane left, illuminating the living room while Elise sat on a cushion, lost in a new knitting project. She was exhausted, eyes just barely staying open while she worked. The sharp sound of the shop's door shutting made her flinch, successfully waking her up in the process.

The sound of keys jingling echoed through the home, along with the sound of wooden creaks, and soft footsteps.

"Estellise? Are you home?" A voice called out, and Elise knew it was Asra. Hell, she knew it was him as soon as he walked in the door, as she could sense his presence so easily.

"Asra."

Her tone was bitter, matching her gaze when Asra walked up the stairs, bag in hand as he cautiously set it down on a nearby table.

"Where were you?" She questioned him, watching as he tossed his coat and scarf to the side and kicked off his boots.

Asra tried stepping closer to Elise, reaching his arms out to desperately embrace her but she just flinched away.

Words wouldn't be able to describe how that small action hurt him, and he just desperately tried to explain himself. Though, did Asra even have a reasonable explanation? He was overwhelmed with grief, and confused when he left.

"I _just_... I walked to Nopal, I'm sorry I just-" He couldn't even finish his sentence as Elise just cut him off.

"You just _left_! Do you know how that felt Asra?!" Elise's voice gradually rose witch each syllable, cracking as she tried to keep her composure. She anxiously paced around the small room, almost curling in on herself.

Asra shuffled uncomfortably under her teary gaze, "I'm so sorry, I just didn't know what to do and...I don't know."

"You ran away from your problems instead of facing them _again_!" That struck a nerve in him, and he winced painfully at her words, at the harsh truth in them. Asra felt his face warming with the familiar prick of tears.

The heating conversation brought back old memories, _bad_ memories of their last argument. _When he lost her._

"I'm sorry...Estellise, I-"

Elise began to stutter on her words as the tears filled her eyes, frustration thick in her tone, "I- I was so nervous, and frustrated, and _lost_ that you just... left." She turned back to face him, and Asra stopped dead in his tracks as he met her stare. As he saw the desperate look in her watery eyes.

"With no note on where you were going, or when you'd come back if you even _did_."

"I already lost our little love, I didn't want to lose you too, Asra-" He finally broke at that, cradling Elise's face in his palms as the pair cried. As they finally, _truly_ mourned together.

" _Please_ ," Elise whispered, grabbing Asra's face to meet her gaze, "don't shut me out like that again. We're in this together," his white lashes fluttered closed at her touch and the feel of soft lips pressing against his forehead.

" _I promise_."


End file.
